Taking Your First Step Out Of The Closet
by a Central Florida Crossdresser

You've found us on the Internet and now you know that you aren't alone. Tens of thousands of other men, some say hundreds of thousands, regularly try on their wife's bra or panties, slip on her dress, or jump into that jumper when home alone. They enjoy those nylons, the feeling of that smooth, sensuous lip color as it covers their lips, or they enjoy the sight of "their" breasts protruding from their own blouse. Even if it is only a pair of sox quickly stuffed into a borrowed bra.

You've read all of the various gender related Internet Home Pages and you know that you may not be conventional but you sure aren't sick or perverted, just, well, different. You've decided that you want to make contact with others like yourself, to learn more, perhaps even take your first step out the door, perhaps to a local Tri Ess or gender support group meeting. So what do you do now?

Privacy and Security

Some crossdressers make a decision to take that first step out of the closet, but in a burst of determination and courage, forget the realities of our world. It IS important that many of us take that step cautiously and that we plan it carefully so we don't burn any bridges behind us. After all, once the world knows, they know, and you can't make them forget.

This article is intended to help you take that first step out of the closet without too much risk. If you are the Chief of Staff for the White House, the local State Assemblyman, a CIA Agent, or a priest, you may want to use a bit more caution or discretion than we propose here. But if you are a normal guy subject to normal scrutiny, you may be making too much of those concerns and paranoia we all feel. I remember my first determination to go out of the house "dressed". I called the local Tri Ess support group contact person fully expecting that the number would be a local deputy sheriff staking out the phone for the purpose of catching" perverts". Intellectually, I knew that I was not doing anything wrong but I was scared to death and totally paranoid. Well, forget it. Local law enforcement has more to do than bug gender group phones and raid local crossdresser meetings.

When I arrived at the local group meeting for the first time I came en "drab", that is "Dressed As A Boy", planning to use the group's changing facility. Nevertheless, I circled the motel parking lot several times to make sure no undercover cop was taking down tag numbers. (I had a cover story ready about how I was a freelance writer attending a meeting to gather information for a story.)

After years of attending local and regional gender group meetings I can tell you the real truth. A local county sheriff's deputy does circle the lot regularly, but he's making sure that no one is mugged, including us. One of the motel's security guards visits the suite at least once per meeting to see if we need anything, to warn us to close our sliding glass door so no one sneaks in to steal our luggage, and to make sure no one bothers us. Hotel management knows who we are and what we are about. We've met with them to explain our feelings and our purpose. They like our money just as much as they like the money from the tourists and others who use their motel. Maybe more since we book a suite for a year in advance. No one cares who we are and the police are too busy with real problems to even notice us.

I subscribe to the theory that who you really are is no one's business. The group leader will want to know your real identity because members and visitors are screened for the good of the group. I made sure, before giving my real name to the group, that the membership list was private, would be surrendered to officials only under subpoena, was never loaned or sold to anyone for any reason even other gender groups, and was under the control of only one or two group leaders who understood the policy on privacy. Who I really am and where I work is my business. The fact that participants at our meetings are screened is to my advantage.

My first phone interview with the local Tri Ess leader was a mutual interview. I was as much interested in her comments and answers as she was in mine. I realized that nearly every CD has a similar story. The whole crossdressing "thing" is so similar in all of us. When I hear another CD telling her story, I think she is telling my life story with a minor twist. It takes one to know one and it doesn't take long on the phone to know that you are talking to a fellow crossdresser and for her to know that she is talking to one as well--as compared to the local reporter trying to infiltrate the meeting. Use the first phone interview to interview the group leader about how they will protect your identity and privacy.

But First Things First

Before you can get to the interview you must have an identity; a feminine persona. Pick a name, one that you feel comfortable with. Changing your name can be inconvenient, so try to get a good name the first time around. When I began using a femme name, I had difficulty thinking of myself as this other person. Now, I am totally comfortable with my feminine persona and tend to think of my feminine identity more often than my male identity. I wish I could be re-born and re-named all over because I'd pick my femme name!

To contact the outside world you need to send and receive mail. This means postal service mail as well as email if you are online. How do you do this and still remain private? You can get mail three places: at home, at the post office through a box, or at a private postal service like "Mail Boxes, Etc.". If getting mail at home is a problem, and  I prefer not to give my home address out to anyone in the gender community, then try the other alternatives.

Both the post office and a private mail box service require you to fill out the same postal service document. Dealing with the post office is like dealing with some big anonymous agency and this can be comforting. They move so much mail they don't have time to read it all! Dealing with a small private service where the owner knows all of the customers and puts all of the mail in the boxes each day can be far less anonymous.

But there are pros and cons beyond these. I actually prefer a private mail box service to a postal service box, but after two private mail services went out of business leaving me with undelivered mail floating around the dead letter office, I finally took out a post office box. Here are my thoughts about each and how I provided a little "cover".

When I opened the post office box, I used a company name in addition to my real name. You can make up a name, like "The Committee of Fifty", the "Worldwide Institute", "Jones Productions", or "Fashion Consultants". Be vague about what you do. Simply list your femme name as an alternate person authorized to pick up your mail and someone to whom mail might be addressed. List "her", for example, as your secretary. Since the post office needs to know your real name, give them your real name but also give them one or more other names who are "employees".

But what if that crossdressing magazine's envelope was torn open (as mine once was) or was mailed with just the metal clasp closed and not really glued shut, or what if someone you request information from fails to use that "plain brown wrapper" they promised to use? With the post office, you are pretty much stuck with the fact that if the postal worker sees it, he sees it. This may be OK in New York City but not in your small town where the postal employee knows you and your mother.

I once opened a box at a private mail box service then received a CD magazine with a torn envelope. The hole was so big you could read the whole cover through it. I waited a week so the proprietor didn't associate my cover story with the incident, then created the opportunity to strike up a conversation while he was sorting mail and the store was empty. I simply told him that I was a freelance writer and that I had created various names which I used to conduct research. "If you ever see any of my mail that comes from hate groups, sex groups, or far out religious groups, I just want you to know that I'm not a radical, but I have to get this material in order to write my stories." "Great idea," he said, "Sounds like an interesting job."

I also have email. I chose America Online for my email account but I also have an account with a local internet provider. I chose a provider in a neighboring town but a local number. I want to avoid subscribing to an access provider where the neighbor's kid holds a part time job as Webmaster. Why? Because the provider can see who is surfing where just by looking to see who is signed on. If I'm surfing "alt. transgendered" I want to do so in privacy.

America Online sells its mailing list to companies based on where you spend your time. Visit the gay and gender section and you are likely to be on a list sold to a vendor targeting the gay market. If I were gay I would probably be proud of it. There is nothing wrong with it. But I'm not and I don't care to have to deal with the privacy issues of visiting the gay forums along with the privacy issues of visiting the gender forums.

So, I obtained a credit card in my femme name. I am fortunate to own a company and I have a corporate card. I obtained one in the "employee's name", actually my femme name, used it to subscribe to AOL, and any connection between me and any gender activity can simply be explained by saying, "Oh, that little devil, the places she surfed on her company card." It's not foolproof but it's some protection and distances "me" from "her" just in case. I pay for other services with that credit card or with a money order that is easily obtained at the local gas station.

AOL has an advantage of giving you up to five screen names that you can use, each with its own email account. So I can have a "real" account that won't change every week when the local provider goes out of business, as well as accounts in various fake names. One identifies me as a crossdresser, let's call it "CorabelleTV" and another simply identifies me as a woman. A third is a gender neutral name, which comes in handy. A fourth is my "real" account and the fifth is for my business.

You are now ready to make contact with the world. So who do you contact?

If you are in the Orlando area contact us through our Contacts page. Our outreach coordinator will be glad to hear from you.

If you are not nearby. Look at the Tri-Ess home page by clicking the link at the top of each page. They have listings of all Tri-Ess chapters.

The International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE) is located at P.O. Box 367 Wayland, Massachusetts 01778. They have a magazine called "Transgender", formerly called "Tapestry". Contact them and buy a copy of the most recent issue. It carries a list of local crossdresser groups around the world as well as businesses that serve CD's. If a support group appears in this publication, you can assume it is a legitimate group and can participate without fear that it is a local police trap to expose you to the world! It also carries a schedule of events in the gender world including the many regional conventions for CD's held almost monthly somewhere around the U.S. If you have any question about the legitimacy of these groups or events, call IFGE. You will always get a sensitive, discreet and caring employee or volunteer who will answer questions on every aspect of crossdressing or other issues. They have been to every national or regional event and know someone in every regional group.

Your best "First Time Out" is through one of these groups or organizations. You can go dressed as a guy, dress as a girl while there, and progress at your own speed. You can refine your look, and as you do, you'll learn to be comfortable going out in the real world.

When I first began to participate in CD group activities, I went dressed as a guy and changed there. When you think about it, that's the least secure way since everyone sees you as you really are and you can be identified. But what if you do run into your boss there? Maybe you can borrow his skirt or loan him your earrings! He sure won't tell on you. I once attended a national convention and met a great CD who I found I had a lot in common with. We were both involved in outreach to other CD's so we decided to exchange "real" business cards so we could remain in contact. When "she" handed me "his" business card I was shocked to realize that he is one of my business customers and I had been in his office only a few months before on business! This experience created a greater personal and professional bond.

I have become comfortable driving over to the local monthly support group meeting dressed. The greatest risk is getting out of my driveway, avoiding the old woman across the street who sits on her porch and gathers every bit of information on every neighbor she sees. I drive with great care and realize that when I'm in the car, I look like any other woman driving. What's the big deal? I do carry a gym bag in the trunk with what one CD calls "escape clothes", a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, sneakers, a pack of "baby wipes", some Vaseline, and nail polish remover to quickly remove make-up in an accident or if the car breaks down and I have to deal with the AAA guy or hitch a ride to the next interchange. I carry my cellular phone. I rarely drink and drive anyway, but I never drink and drive when dressed. I had a friend who was arrested for DWI while dressed and it ruined his whole day. Jail is bad enough but when you are the only one in a dress it can be a bitch.

I'm passable and today I go anywhere I want. I travel on business weekly and my femme garb is always with me. I've been to restaurants, malls, bars, theaters, concerts, parks, museums, and even Times Square. I've taken cabs, subways, and cable cars. But I'm still discreet. I never go out in my own small town or at my own regional mall. And I never go out half dressed.

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