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First Step Out
(second page)
Who You Gonna Tell
Once you confide in someone, your secret is out. I'm aware that many CD's feel the need to confide their secret to someone. But I caution you to think carefully about this before taking the step. Just as important as whether to tell is how and who to tell.
I've heard many people say that they told a special friend at work. Usually that friend is gay or lesbian. You should be aware that many people simply can't keep secrets and gays and lesbians who are "out" often feel that you should also be out and that you are hypocritical if you are not. Even major gay publications have "outed" others.
I'm not going to tell you not to tell others. But I will tell you that you are playing with fire if you tell others at work or if you tell friends of the family. If you tell a friend, expect he will tell his wife. If you tell a sister, expect her to tell your brother. If you tell your teenage daughter, expect her to tell her boyfriend and her next boyfriend and her next boyfriend and expect the boyfriends to tell their friends.
Several CD's told me they felt the need to tell their family doctor. I didn't and I won't. I am friendly with my doctor and thought I knew him until I found out he is highly religious and part of a conservative congregation. I'm certain he would not understand and I would lose the services of the best doctor I've ever had.
If you take hormones, your doctor must know. If he didn't refer you to your specialist, he still has to know your whole medical picture. But to tell a doctor just so he knows is foolish in several ways. Everything that your doctor writes into your medical file is probably scanned into your insurance company computer and everything in the computer is available to the person or company who pays the health insurance bills. Forget about privacy. You don't have any. If you tell your doctor and he writes it in your file, your insurer WILL enter it into their computer and they WILL share it with other insurers. It becomes a pre-existing condition, possibly a mental condition in their eyes. I was once tested for diabetes. It was a routine fasting blood sugar test recommended because of my age and my family history. A few weeks later I applied for a low cost life insurance policy offered by a credit card company. My application was rejected because the word diabetes appeared on my record.
While this is a subject for a whole other article, you might think twice about paying for counseling or therapy with your health insurance without discussing the issue of privacy with your therapist. If you have an HMO and it is paid for by your employer, he will almost certainly know you are undergoing therapy.
Respecting Other's Privacy
You have a responsibility to others as much as they have a responsibility to you. CD's who do exchange identities should never share that information with any third party. Never give any information about another CD. "She's a dentist" or "She's a general contractor" or "She's a teacher" is too much information to share. I am uncomfortable if a fellow CD introduces me to a new member by saying, "She's from your suburb," or "You and she are both engineers."
Remember that others do not always feel privacy or secrecy are important or necessary. Anyone who knows is a risk. They may be nice people with good intentions but they could still be careless or thoughtless and could cost you a career, a wife, or public embarrassment. I've seen it happen.
If you are in public and happen to recognize a fellow CD, do not approach her if you are crossdressed unless she invites you to do so. Don't address her by her femme name when she is not dressed en femme. Don't discuss the subject or give any little "insider" hints if she is with someone. That someone might already suspect, and that "hint" might be the one that spills the beans.
Resources
If you are a crossdresser and you have no way of buying clothing, make-up or other supplies like breast forms and wigs, here are some tips.
The Internet can be a great resource. You can buy make-up (search on "Mary Kay", "lipstick" or any of several other key words), wigs, (search on "wigs"), or visit specialty sites advertised as gender friendly on several of the major crossdressing home pages (search on "crossdress" for links to gender friendly businesses). Place your order by email or phone (paying by money order), if you prefer. Some companies offer make-up kits with everything you need to get started.
I
ordered breast forms through the J.C. Penney catalog. Who cares what the lady who answers the phone thinks. I told her they were for a woman with cancer the first time and the second time I told her they were for me. She didn't believe me the first time, I'm sure, so why lie. She'll never see me again and she doesn't know my mother!
I'm a size 16 so I found mail order catalogs that fit most of my needs before I ventured out to the Mall. I ordered by mail using money orders rather than my credit card since some companies won't ship to an address other than that of the card holder. Most good mail order houses allow returns. I've bought wigs, clothing and other items by mail.
Getting An ID
I
wanted to stay partially in the closet but I wanted an ID in my femme name with my femme photo, too. I don't carry it in my wallet because my kids sometimes raid the wallet for allowances, but I keep in my purse so that if I'm stopped when out and about while dressed, I have something with my feminine photo on it. I think it's best to show the traffic cop that this is not some impulsive act but a part of my lifestyle.
Many states allow you to get a non-driver ID card at the driver's license bureau simply by walking in and paying your fee. They don't care how you dress but they do keep a copy, and this is, to me, not worth the risk. Big brother knows more about me that I want them to know, so for now, I'll pass on the official ID card.
Going Out For The First Time
OK. You've got your wig, your make-up kit, and your best dress. You have your courage and you're like the dead atheist, all dressed up but with no place to go. Now what? Many of us start by taking a short car ride. This is good. Drive safely. Remember that you are relatively safe. Few can identify Marmaduke in a Dress
through a car window--unless you drive a distinctive day glow orange '57 Chevy pick-up truck and everyone knows it belongs to you. A drive through town can help you get rid of the jitters.
Many take their next step at the Mall. This can be a mistake. Not going to the Mall, but making it your next step. Going public isn't as easy as it looks. There are two ways you can go out--alone or with a friend. I can guarantee you that your chances of being "read" as a man in drag are excellent if not totally assured if you go in tandem with another. One CD can pass. Two rarely can. I pass 99% of the time. My friend does, too. Together we get read by 25% of the people we pass. Go figure.
Your next step must be to refine your look. I sit for hours in public places studying women--how they dress, how they act, and most important, how they dress and act. The major mistake many CD's make is to try to act too feminine. Women have a way of walking and acting but it isn't stylized feminine. It is natural, and natural is real hard to achieve. It takes practice. Just don't over do it. If you can videotape yourself when dressed as you walk and move and sit, then critique yourself, you'll learn to correct your mistakes.
The next thing many CD's do is to overdress for the occasion. You may feel great in bright red lipstick, long blond hair, or a short dress that will make any teenagers envious, but if you are 6', 280 pounds and age 55, it just isn't going to work. Dress your age. Dress for the Mall if you go to the Mall. Real women don't wear a formal or heels! And 55 year olds don't buy their clothing in the Juniors department. In my opinion, the biggest mistake is a poor selection of a wig. It not only must look natural, it must be appropriate for your age. If you only have one wig, it must be an all occasion style, not high style or glamour style. Sixty-five year olds don't wear long sexy blonde hair and leather skirts--at least not to the Mall.
I think that picking the right wig is the key to solving most problems. When I am read it is because of my hair (or my voice, of course). I spent a lot of money on a good wig but even a good wig can look like a wig. Choose wisely. Older women wear their hair shorter. Look around you. When you study women, study women your age.
Choose styles that won't get you noticed if you are marginally passable and want to pass. When a very large women enters the room the tendency is to look at her. What we see is a very large women--natural and feminine by birth. When you walk in the room at 6'5" and 280 pounds, people look and see someone who has to play catch up. If you want to look feminine you have to work at it. Sticking out like a sore thumb is not good--if you want to pass.
A guy needs every advantage to feminize himself. You can't go out au natural--without makeup and in jeans--and look feminine. It just ain't going to happen. If you choose to wear your own hair as opposed to a wig, remember that it has to be feminine. Anything that isn't feminine detracts from your illusion. A woman
can wear a masculine hairstyle and get buy because everything else, from her features to her walk, is naturally feminine.
I take great care with the details. I put on an extra coat of mascara because my short stubby lashes need help. And above all, I shave with great care and have spent a small fortune experimenting with beard covers to find what works for me. A midnight shadow is a dead giveaway.
When shaving, I use a Trac II razor. An electric razor just won't do it for me. I shave many times with great care, pulling the razor in every direction--with the grain, against the grain, etc. I use a fresh razor each time I shave before dressing. If you don't do the shaving right, you won't cover the beard. It takes me about 30 minutes to remove the beard, then I cover it with a very light coat of yellow make-up. It's yellow color neutralizes the bluish color of a beard. You can buy this stuff at the cosmetic counter. It's made by Physician's Formula.
I
know that I can almost always pass if I stay groomed. I touch up make-up regularly. I check my hair and overall appearance at every mirror I see. But I know that my voice is a dead giveaway. So when I make a purchase, I try to anticipate the questions and have an answer ready. "Cash or charge" is met with the $20 bill in hand, for example. The one that always gets me is, "Paper or plastic" in the grocery store. I've learned to whisper an answer and point a lot. But what the hell. Since I never go out to my "regular" neighborhood stores, if I have to answer and be read, I figure I've exposed another human being to a reality of life--transgender people exist.
Conclusion
You can control your coming out process. Come out gradually and you will learn a great deal about the next step to take to come out further. Tell others on a need to know basis. Make ground rules for others to follow. If you don't want them to tell others about you, tell them so. When you go to that group meeting and you are planning to run for Mayor next election, you best avoid having your picture taken. Many groups take photos for an album. This can be a problem for some people. Make the photographer aware of your wishes.
And if you take your wife along to a meeting or event, it's a real good idea that she avoid having her picture taken since she's not "in disguise" in any way. The First Lady with the Mayor in Drag! I can see it now.
I've been cautious in this article and I hope I've given you a healthy respect for what might be a problem. But I hope I didn't discourage you from exploring your full feminine personality in a way you can only do in public. Life is too short to live in a closet.
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